I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
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