Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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