The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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