The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
