I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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