we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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