Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I didn't notice because vodka
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
