im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
