chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
