I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
