it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
