First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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