I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I take back everything I said about communal showers
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
