I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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