i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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