I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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