Someone shit on the floor
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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