You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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