my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
