Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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