Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
