Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
