My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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