In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
