Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
