Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
