boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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