Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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