Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she looked like the before picture.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
