It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
