glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
