my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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