Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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