I'm gonna have a badass scar
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
