Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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