dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize
