my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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