I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
