I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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