She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
