He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
