Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
