I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
