my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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