I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
