Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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