He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize