I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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