Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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