woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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