omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
