I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
My liver just had a heart attack.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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