Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
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