Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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