you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
