and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
