why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
