Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
