YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
they need to just BURY HIM!
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
