I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
