WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
