went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
