new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
